I enjoy making stupid little stories that feature unattributed dialog. These are dialog exchanges between two people without the “he said” “she said” tags.
I will not stop making these.
You’re not the boss of me.
“Hi! Welcome to Screw, Nails, and Board Mart!”
“Excuse me? Isn’t this the Home—?”
“Please sir—the name of the store has been recently changed. There was a little…problem, with the franchise.”
“Oh, okay. Say, I just wanted to let someone know—someone made a mistake on the sign on that riding lawn-mower outside. It’s marked ‘$14,000.00’! Ha,ha,ha!”
“That’s not a mistake, sir. I made the sign myself. That’s the Johnny Moose BT-5000—the Flagship of the new fleet of Johnny Moose Lawn Equipment.”
“Johnny Moose? I’ve never heard of them.”
“Manager Manley negotiated an agreement to import them from India. You can currently only find the Johnny Moose line here at Screw, Nail, and Board Mart.”
“BT-5000, huh? What does ‘B-T’ stand for?”
“Bluetooth. The BT-5000 is compatible with the PlayStation 4, the Xbox One, and the Iphone 6.”
“What?”
“That’s right, sir. The Flagship Johnny Moose Model takes all of the drudgery out of your lawn-maintenance needs. As of today, sports stadiums in five major Far and Middle-Eastern countries have their field maintenance overseen by one eleven-year-old boy.”
“That’s great, I guess. Where is this Mr. Manl—?”
“Please, sir. The Manager prefers to be called ‘Manager Manley’. I would really appreciate it if you cooperated with me on this. I have my fingers crossed—the Shift Manager position is up for grabs, and I really want that job. That’s Manager Manley right over there.”
“If you don’t mind my asking, why doesn’t he want to be called Mr. Ma—?”
“SHHH! It seems that there is already a man of minor celebrity that is known as Mr. Manley. This man reportedly makes films for a rather specialized adult audience.”
“Oh, okay. I get it.”
“So, how may I help you today?”
“Do you sell wooden birdhouses?” (glances toward spouse, who is filling a shopping basket with plants in the Garden Center).
“I’m afraid not, sir. But we sell every possible item that you might need to construct them yourself.”
“Yes, that’s what I’ve been told. (glances toward spouse in the Garden Center). “Do I know you from somewhere? You look very familiar to me.”
“I don’t believe so, sir. I’ve only lived here for about a year.”
“Can you direct me to the lumber section?” (brushes hair from his eyes).
“Aisle thirteen—on the far end. It appears that you could use a haircut.”
“Yeah, it has been—hey! That’s where I remember you from! You cut my hair about three months ago—at ‘Haircuts While you Wait’.”
“Sh!” (glances toward Manager Manley). “I’m sorry sir. I would rather that Manager Manley did not overhear details of my work history.”
“What’s wrong with being a hair stylist? Never mind. It’s none of my business.”
“Thank you for your cooperation, sir.”
“I’ll need a power saw to build this birdhouse. Will I find that next to the lumber?”
“No, sir. That will be on aisle number two.” (points in opposite direction).
“That’s a very interesting shoulder tattoo—and it also seems strangely familiar. Could I see the rest of it?”
“I don’t know…” (glances toward Manager Manley).
“C’mon. It’s a very nice tattoo. I’ve been thinking of getting one myself.”
“Just for a second. I’m not sure what Manager Manley thinks about tattoos.”
“Oh my God! You’re Candi Pantz?—from the Naughty Kitten Club?” (glances at spouse)
“Sir….” (glances at Manager Manley)
“You have been most helpful, Ma’am. I am going right now to tell your boss how helpful you’ve been.”
“Thank you for shopping at Screw, Nail, and Board Mart, sir. Please come again.”
Be well, my friends.
